I’ve spent some time in courtrooms.

I’ve served on a couple of juries….and I’ve watched a couple of courtroom dramas.

I’ve just never been formally charged with anything.

“Formally charged…”  that’s kind of funny.  Actually, I’ve never had any charges in any form brought against me.

I’m clean.

I was thinking about court this morning and the legal system in general…. and I thought that if I ever was in trouble, and found myself being dragged before a judge, that it might be wise to employ a defense that I don’t see used very often in a formal setting.

If I ever found myself in some sort of legal predicament, it makes sense to me that one of the strongest ways I can think of to get out of it all would be…

THE UDU DEFENSE.

That’s the maneuver where when the charges are brought against me, and the judge is saying something like “the charges against you are watching illegal Chinese cam shot pre-release American movies on the internet.  Do you understand the charges?“….when that happens, when the judge is coming down on me hard for whatever crime the court has decided I may be guilty of …

I stand to my feet, look the judge in the eye, and say…“YOU DO”.

Worst case scenario it buys me a little time, best case it results in the case being declared a mistrial.

It works for me.

Playground defense…they don’t teach it at law school…we forget it by the time we accept that we need to follow THE LAW to the letter…but it works.

Imagine the pandemonium when, in response to an accusation too horrible to repeat, we calmly stand and say, “YOU DO“.

Those two simple words completely put the issue back in the judge’s court.

The UDU DEFENSE deflects and saves.

The thing about the UDU DEFENSE that’s kind of appealing is that it really doesn’t require any preparation other than developing the willingness to deploy it.

It can be used at any time. When the judge says “How do you plead”, you answer “YOU DO”….when the judge says “Bailiff, RESTRAIN THIS MAN!!!” , you say….”YOU DO”.

When your defense attorney says, “We’re going to get something to eat.  Do you want anything?” you could say something like, “YOU DO”.

Do you see what I’m saying?  It’s a simple system and one without any weakness.

And the beauty of it all is that it really doesn’t require any legal training.  You don’t have to go to law school, you don’t have to have any courtroom experience, you don’t have to worry about whether you ever make partner in somebody else’s whatever…all you have to do is develop the ability to randomly retort “YOU DO” when someone puts you on the spot.

It is an elegantly simple solution.

I do hope that I never have to be in a situation where I have to use my UDU skills.  I don’t want to confront the legal system in any form.

I don’t want to make that kind of history.

But…if the UDU DEFENSE doesn’t seem to be bringing the court to its knees, I could always trot out my ace in the hole…

The IAMRUBBAH RETALIATION.

Don’t mess with me, legal system.  I’ve got you pegged.